I’m fairly certain that most of us have been coming across articles teaching us ‘How To Give a Blow Job’ since we were about twelve (hello, every issue of Cosmo ever). Through the medium of the hallowed sex tip, the female gender has been all but programmed into instinctively knowing how much or how little to use your tongue (“do little laps, like a kitten,” says Cosmo. “You are a smooth-tongued, penis-licking kitten”); how important it is to keep your mouth wet (blah, blah, blah); how to form a mouth vacuum around his cock; even how to resist our natural gag reflex in order to successfully deep throat- oh joy!

But, while “the ladies” are positively drowning in sex tips, my experience teaches me that what seems to be REALLY lacking from this topic is a single article directed at the male sex on how to actually receive a blow job. If you’re a boy who moans about women hating giving blow jobs then you can only blame yourself. I’ve varied from loving giving boyfriends blow jobs to point blank refusing based solely on their behaviour or reactions. Forget about receiving shit head for a moment, and start considering whether you may be shit at RECEIVING head. That’s right – consider whether it might be YOU who is truly bad at fellatio. Then follow this important advice, and soon, you’ll be as good at receiving head as gracefully and sensitively as the guys in porn (oh, wait…)

1. First and most importantly: do not shove our heads into your groin. When asking friends what we most HATE about giving blow jobs, the most repeated response I got was the head shoving. Shoving our heads down to your crotch as sign language for ‘Please can I have a blowjob?’ or shoving our heads when we’re already down there is really not enjoyable, makes you look like a douche, and is pretty much a 100% guarantee of your receiving a listless, resentful blowjob while being deathstared by an angry woman. Don’t make me gag with your cock in my mouth – it’s not sexy. Let us take control. If you want us to take it deeper, faster, slower then TELL US, don’t force us. This is supposed to be consensual, pleasurable sex for both parties, and you are not a fucking teenager.

2. Don’t just stand there with your hands on your hips like your some kind of sex superman. Touch us! I personally quite enjoy a head massage whilst giving a blow job. If you have conveniently lanky arms then play with our tits during – for most girls nipples are a turn on spot. Sex in any form is an intimate experience and as it’s difficult (but hot) to maintain eye contact whilst giving/receiving head using your hands is a good way to create intimacy. Even worse: don’t put your hands behind your head like you’re Don Draper on a frigging sunlounger in Honolulu being blown by an air hostess. It not only makes you look like a smug, pompous asshole, but it also makes your stomach stick out so we can’t see your face.

3. Respond positively and vocally. Let us know we’re doing a good job, gasp if we lick that oh-so-sensitive tip, and tell us how great that feels. We want to know exactly how amazing we are at blow jobs – it’s not only good for the ego, but it prevents that horror of horrors: the silent BJ, during which the only interruption to the awkward absence of sound is the moist noise of what sounds like a toothless grandma clearing her palate.

4. Hygiene. I know it’s obvious but please, please, wash before we go down there. If it smells and is encrusted with knob-cheese, it’s gross, and we won’t be going back there in a hurry. Obviously there are exceptions; if it all happens rather spontaneously or you’re slumming it in a festival then it can’t really be avoided. Any other circumstances – get the flannel out.

5. Warn us before you cum. There is nothing more disgusting than choking on a load of jizz that you weren’t aware was ‘coming’. Also, ask us if we’re ok with you coming in our mouths. Whilst many assume that there is the simple choice of spit or swallow you could actually just cum elsewhere- in a tissue, on our tits, anywhere but our mouths (AGAIN, ASK FIRST). An ex-boyfriend of mine in a bit of a fluster once came on a load of revision notes and a library book next to his bed rather than shoot his load in my mouth without permission. Memorise this: no woman should ever feel pressured into swallowing cum.

6. Return the favour! Be chivalrous. If I go down on you I expect you to go down on me or at the very least use your hands. Heterosexual porn scenes usually involve the girl giving the guy a blow job followed by intercourse. Rarely does the man return the favour. This is SO not okay. Good sex involves satisfaction for both. Repeat after me: Porn is not a guidebook.

Follow these tips, and you might actually notice you’re getting a lot more head than you were before.  Then tell all your friends. There’s a reason this needed to be said. 

- Kate Spree